Match.Com : A Lovesong in Two Voices

. . . and I’d like to add that I am six feet tall and make six figures no matter what. I am always a good-looking successful fun intelligent man with good-looking fun intelligent friends.  I’m a man seeking emotional connections, spiritual bonds, failing that, just boobs. I will compliment your appearance; stare fixedly at your breasts as if they were trying to impart a barely discernible message. I will strive to notice that you have a face. I will not visually part you out like a butcher. I will not treat you like a collect call girl.

I am a dreamer and a hopelessly romantic woman which is why I’ve paid to access this computer generated database of paired sentiments and random characteristics. I will ignore the fact that my search netted 623 ineffably perfect soul-mates within a sixty mile radius. I will also ignore the fact that a very similar interface found me a registered stud for my shih tzu. I will have cleavage than Bryce Canyon. I am incapable of lying, like Jesus or Abraham Lincoln on sodium pentothal. I do not have a date right after this.

I will be a bon vivant. I will ooze class. I will not make subtle but distinct humping motions.  I will wear my baseball cap backwards then off to the side because that never stops being cool. We shall dine at Appleby’s or Olive Garden. I will snap my fingers to summon the waiter like I’m the maharajah; look stunned when he flips me the bird. My hands will be in my lap. I will not try to use my cell phone to photograph your underwear and post it on my blog.  No winking. I will not seductively try to feed you my breadstick.

I will be all about trust. I will trust that your real name is PBRbullrider69. I am not a big talker. I will be mostly mute and act drunker and dumber than I actually am. I will not prattle incessantly, mostly about my ex-boyfriend, the Navy Seal. He was just so loving and caring and generous you have no idea.  I will not show you his picture then characterize our previous sex life as sublimely supernatural. I will not weep like a fountain when the breadsticks arrive.

I will be a knight in shining armor in a rented bright red Plymouth Neon.  I will wear enough cologne to offend a gay Arab. I will not say I am searching for a deep committed long-term one night stand.  I will not notice your self-described curviness nor that you did not stipulate the type of curve. I will explain by “athletic build” I meant bowling and ice fishing. I will be what I can buy you. I will pretend I have read your entire profile. I will agree that we have chemistry when what we have is physical science and business law.